One of the reasons some adoptive families hesitate to search for their child’s birth family is fear the birth family will ask for money. They often tell me they are open to helping the birth family, but they are not rich and worry about excessive requests and how to manage them.
Given the poverty in Guatemala, which in most cases led to the birth mother making an adoption plan in the first place, it’s no surprise the request many adoptive families fear comes to pass. In the eyes of a poor birth family, we adoptive parents ARE rich. And given the additional hardships these days due to COVID19, the disparity seems to be even greater if that is even possible.
But adoptive families often worry if a request for medical assistance or rent or tuition is really legitimate. What if the family doesn’t really have a medical emergency? What if they don’t use the money sent for what they said they would?
We often get requests to check in with birth families to verify needs and how money was spent. And while I get that no one wants to be lied to and no one wants to be seen as callous and uncaring, I’d like to suggest there’s another way to think about these requests.
Let’s take it in two parts:
1: Setting boundaries
I always recommend to adoptive families that they decide up front what they are comfortable with in terms of support and then stick to what they have decided unless they really like their reason for changing their minds.
For example, you could decide you will participate in a visit program that provides supplies 3 times a year on a set schedule, or maybe that you will send $100 in cash each month or some other amount on a quarterly basis. And perhaps in addition you are open to 1 or 2 ad hoc requests per year that don’t exceed a certain dollar amount. The key is to think about this ahead of time so you will know how to react when a request comes (yes, they may come even if you provide regular support).
This is setting a boundary.
You don’t even have to tell the birth family what the boundary is unless you want to, although if you are doing regular or periodic support it helps to let them know what they can expect.
Then if something unexpected comes up, say a death in the family, you can look at the support you have committed to (your boundary) and think about what reasons you might have for sending money to cover the funeral costs. Maybe you want to send funds because you feel obligated, or maybe because you have the money and can, or maybe you remember a death in your family where kindnesses of others meant so much to you. If you send money based on a reason you like, you’ll be much more comfortable with that in the end versus if you send money based on a reason you don’t like (e.g. feeling obligated).
2: Managing how you think about the request
Take a minute to consider how you think you will feel if a request for money comes. Guilty? Taken advantage of? Suspicious? Worried? Helpless? Inadequate?
Here is where the real problem lies. It’s feeling this way that you are really afraid. Not so much the request itself.
And the reason you’ll feel whatever you think you will feel is because of the meaning you are giving to the request.
For example, if my birth family asks for $300 to pay for surgery for one of the kids, but I see a post on Facebook where the kid looks fine, I’m going to think something like “They are taking advantage of me.” I’m going to make the request mean that they see me as rich and a source of funding. Maybe I think this means they don’t really care about my child and that they will ask her for money in the future.
If I think about the request this way, I’m going to feel taken advantage of or suspicious. And then maybe guilty for feeling that way.
But what if, instead, I remember the inequities that make their requests logical and to be expected? Then my thought can be more like, “Of course they are asking for money, I’d probably do the same thing in their shoes.“ Then I can remind myself of the boundary I have set and my reasons for that decision. Then I’m likely to feel much more at peace and able to respond from a place of love and compassion versus suspicion, guilt or obligation.
As with most things dealing with relationships, there is no right or wrong answer, but there are “better” ways to think about being asked for money that can get you to a decision you feel good about.
Abrazos,
Velvet
P.S. Interested in learning more about how to manage your brain to get things done, get what you want, and live your best life? Visit my latest endeavor, VSBCoaching.