For me, the worry for my kid started even before I ever saw her referral photo. Would she really be healthy? Was being brought up by a single mom unfair to her? What about being a brown child in a white family? Would she have a huge birth-mother-sized hole in her heart forever? Would she struggle with the loss of her culture?
When she landed in my arms, a lot of those thoughts were pushed to the background by her amazing baby cuteness and my feeling like I had gotten away with something (didn’t they know I had no idea how to take care of a whole human being all on my own?)
Of course, I had all the normal new mom worries - was it my fault all her gorgeous black baby hair fell out? But those were mostly centered on me. It wasn’t until later that the more adoption related worries came back. Those same ones I’d had before, plus a whole slew of new ones fueled by un-informed US pediatricians and what I’d learned about Guatemalan adoptees.
Was she going to be prone to diabetes? Was she never going to hit 5 foot tall? Could 95% (my exaggerated estimation based on conversations with parents) of Guatemalan adoptees all really have ADHD?
They all seemed so out of my control - something I love to be in.
And now that she is a teen, of course, I have a whole new set of worries.
I used to feel like I HAD to worry about her in order to keep her safe. That if I didn’t worry, I wasn’t being a good mom.
But what I’ve learned is that worry is optional. Knowing this has changed everything for me.
Seems like a strange statement, but think about it for a minute.
As much as we love our kids, and given all we had to go through to bring them into our lives, of course, we are going to do everything in our power to keep them safe and give them what they need. Whether we worry along the way or not.
But being human, we’ll make some mistakes.
And the fact is that life is uncertain, so we can’t ever really control the outcome.
Our kids will be who they are and do what they do. We can exert our influence and guide them, but in the end they will make their own choices and live their own experiences.
I’m not saying I never worry these days. But when I do, I can just notice it for what it is and no longer feel like it is necessary in order for me to be the parent I want to be. And then, strangely enough, it doesn’t feel so powerful and I can get back to focusing on what is in my control.
All my best,
Velvet